You love each other, but can’t seem to communicate without arguing, fighting and ending up exhausted. Each one of you ends up in their own corner, trying to lick their wounds and thinking about how to protect themselves against a new attack. But you love each other, so how is this possible? Why do people hurt those they love the most?
Struggling to express our love
We may be full of good intentions, but we still find ourselves again, shouting and blaming the other one. And then that monster of guilt jumps out of nowhere and we feel terrible.
So how do we stop this behaviour? Well firstly, let’s look at why this happens. We all need energy. We need energy to live and to survive. Energy comes in many forms: love, attention, interest, food, friendship, money, approval and recognition. We all need this to feel good, to build our personalities and to find our place in society.
But here’s the thing: as long as we think this energy has to come from other human beings, we will get caught up in struggle. Because human energy is limited. We have to fight for it.
Human energy doesn’t last and there isn’t enough of it. So we have to be the quickest, the smartest, the most beautiful one, to attract the attention from the other and to pull at their energy. If this doesn’t work, we try another strategy. We try to pull attention by exercising negative behavior.
Where it starts
Every child learns very quickly, when he is playing quietly on the floor with his toys, that mum gets on with cooking dinner, or talking with daddy. But as soon as the kid hurts his little sister, or starts playing sick, mums hurries to give attention to him. Mum shouts, she’s angry or worried and the child gets the attention they’re craving. He learns very quickly which behavior gives him the greatest amount of attention and energy. When his mother or father looks at him, even angry, it still is energy coming his way. When they shout at him, they give him energy. Negative energy, but it is better than no energy at all.
When we grow up and start to date, we discover a very interesting phenomenon: when we fall in love, we receive a lot of energy (aka: attention, interest, time and love) for free. The other person gives us an abundance of energy. We don’t even have to ask for it, we don’t need to apply any strategy to pick this energy, it’s all for free!
We let go of our mechanism to pull the energy of others towards us. We loosen up. We fall in love. We almost literally fly. Everything seems to have more colour, it’s more vivid, we feel lighter and life seems easy. Everything goes by itself, we have the feeling we love everybody and everything. Nothing can hurt us, we feel safe and boosted with energy. But this is his or her energy. We are flying on someone else’s energy and human energy is limited!
Running into issues
This is when we run into issues. The stream of free energy begins to slow down, because the other one goes back to his business and activities he had before. Why? The body is not able to handle this amount of adrenaline for a long period of time, so we need to learn to pull our energy from somewhere else. Not from a human being, but from the source of energy itself.
Our lover gives us less free energy than before. We were used to this energy flow and now we have to do it again by ourselves. Free energy is so much easier! We don’t have to do any effort to get it. And now we are getting less of this free energy, we don’t want to let this happen.
Triggering childhood memories
At this moment our old childhood-system of capturing energy is triggered because of the scarcity of energy and the old mechanism to capture energy from others starts running in our head and in our behavior. The mechanism that worked when we were a child to get the energy of our parents, will be triggered by the lack of energy now. We do what we did as a child to get energy flowing our way.
We can do this by playing the victim. Or we get attention by being aggressive, shouting and trying to dominate the other one. A third mechanism is harassing the other one by asking too many questions and controlling them. A fourth system is playing silent, refusing contact, not speaking and not to reacting, so the other one will do whatever he can to get in contact with you again and this will give you his energy.
These systems will of course make the energy of the other one flowing your way. But what next? The other one is now low on energy and wants to get his energy back. So now his mechanism is triggered by his lack of energy. He will now use the system that assured him the energy of his parents when he was little, to get his energy back from you. He will either shout at you, either playing the poor one that didn’t deserve your treatment, either torture you with a bunch of questions, or refuse contact.
This explains why we hurt the ones we love. The first reason is we want their energy, the energy they gave once for free. We hurt our loved ones most because they gave us love and energy and attention for free in the beginning. Now we have to do it on our own and we are angry and want get back to them. We think we are entitled to have their energy still for free and start our mechanism to get it.
The second reason we hurt them most is because of convenience. They are always around, their energy is available, so when we are low on energy we try to rip their energy off and hurt them in the process.
We should only be in contact with other people when we are sure to be already filled up with energy, so we won’t steal theirs. When we are full of energy and conscious of what happens between people, we can give the other one energy instead of ripping them off. We should not meet each other when we are low on energy. It’s the responsibility of each and every person to generate energy by themselves and not to depend on other people.
Finding our own energy sources
We need to learn to connect to the energy that is always available. That is the energy of the universe. The easiest way to connect to this energy is to contemplate the beauty of a flower. You can also contemplate the beauty of an object, or a person. You can listen to beautiful music, take a walk in nature, meditate, pray, dance, paint, read positive texts, work on your mission on earth, love your cat or dog; anything that gives you energy.
Make a list of every activity and behavior that increases your energy levels. As soon as you feel you’re in a conflict with your partner, boss, child, parent or whoever, do something to get yourself together and raise your energy. Don’t say anything until your energy level is again high enough to be able to send energy to the other one.
By sending energy, you are sure not stealing energy it. This is an act of love. If you are not able to get your energy level any higher, go somewhere, do something for you and wait until your vibrations are high enough to meet the other one again.
The important thing in a relationship is not to make the other happy, or to expect the other one to make you happy. You need to make yourself happy, let go of negative thoughts and offer this happiness as a free gift to the other.
Loving another human being is giving him energy. Can you see the difference? Do you want to love your loved ones, or steal their energy? If you want to stoop fighting, then it’s time to figure this out.